The Tee Empire — shirts that say the quiet part

Original one-liners, written here and printed to order. No borrowed jokes: every line is screened against what is already on sale before it is made.

Original linesPrinted to order24 designs
Your opinion of me is a dead battery in a cordless phone 1997.

Your opinion of me is a dead battery in a cordless phone 1997.

defiant boundary · set in western
$24.00
Opening soon
My 5 moods: coffee, sleep, traffic, my in-laws, and a 401k check

My 5 moods: coffee, sleep, traffic, my in-laws, and a 401k check

numbered list · set in narrow, impact
$24.00
Opening soon
My 5 moods: coffee, sleep, food, water, and being dragged screaming to a dentist appointment

My 5 moods: coffee, sleep, food, water, and being dragged screaming to a dentist appointment

numbered list · set in narrow, impact
$24.00
Opening soon
I'd rather get a tattoo of my ex's face than go to a karaoke bar.

I'd rather get a tattoo of my ex's face than go to a karaoke bar.

absurd preference · set in bernard, script
$24.00
Opening soon
Daughter loves karaoke, destroys our kitchen with every performance.

Daughter loves karaoke, destroys our kitchen with every performance.

family roast · set in western
$24.00
Opening soon
I am at the age where my couch cushion counts as a pillow fort.

I am at the age where my couch cushion counts as a pillow fort.

age and tired · set in western
$24.00
Opening soon
Your opinion of me is a lost sock that disappeared in the wash cycle 2018.

Your opinion of me is a lost sock that disappeared in the wash cycle 2018.

defiant boundary · set in western
$24.00
Opening soon
I am not a morning person. I am a beer-pong champion, and hungover every Monday.

I am not a morning person. I am a beer-pong champion, and hungover every Monday.

self deprecating · set in narrow, impact
$24.00
Opening soon
Monday morning commute? Using a leaf blower to get to work.

Monday morning commute? Using a leaf blower to get to work.

revenge fantasy · set in narrow, impact
$24.00
Opening soon
My beer stomach is rounder than my common sense.

My beer stomach is rounder than my common sense.

body humour · set in narrow, impact
$24.00
Opening soon
After the universe created me, the universe said I'd eat pizza.

After the universe created me, the universe said I'd eat pizza.

divine origin · set in narrow, impact
$24.00
Opening soon
I'd rather eat a spider than attend my aunt's cooking class again.

I'd rather eat a spider than attend my aunt's cooking class again.

absurd preference · set in western
$24.00
Opening soon
Mom tries to cook, sets off the fire alarm every time.

Mom tries to cook, sets off the fire alarm every time.

family roast · set in bernard, script
$24.00
Opening soon
I am at the age where my beer belly counts as a visible muscle gain.

I am at the age where my beer belly counts as a visible muscle gain.

age and tired · set in bernard, script
$24.00
Opening soon
I am not a fitness enthusiast. I am a pizza delivery guy, and lazy.

I am not a fitness enthusiast. I am a pizza delivery guy, and lazy.

self deprecating · set in narrow, impact
$24.00
Opening soon
Coffee breaks? Diving into a vat of coffee for a dip.

Coffee breaks? Diving into a vat of coffee for a dip.

revenge fantasy · set in bernard, script
$24.00
Opening soon
My beer gut is bigger than my ego.

My beer gut is bigger than my ego.

body humour · set in bernard, script
$24.00
Opening soon
Your opinion of me is a forgotten parking ticket on a Friday morning.

Your opinion of me is a forgotten parking ticket on a Friday morning.

defiant boundary · set in bernard, script
$24.00
Opening soon
I'd rather get a root canal without anesthesia than watch rom-coms.

I'd rather get a root canal without anesthesia than watch rom-coms.

absurd preference · set in bernard, script
$24.00
Opening soon
Sister plays the kazoo, forces me to listen to her practice.

Sister plays the kazoo, forces me to listen to her practice.

family roast · set in narrow, impact
$24.00
Opening soon
My 4 moods: morning, afternoon, evening, and a punch in the face

My 4 moods: morning, afternoon, evening, and a punch in the face

numbered list · set in bernard, script, slab
$24.00
Opening soon
Pete's Towing - "Tow vehicles, not emotions"

Pete's Towing - "Tow vehicles, not emotions"

fake company · set in narrow, impact
$24.00
Opening soon
After the universe created me, the universe said I'd write novels.

After the universe created me, the universe said I'd write novels.

divine origin · set in bernard, script
$24.00
Opening soon
Seal Masters - "Seal the deal with our caulk"

Seal Masters - "Seal the deal with our caulk"

fake company · set in narrow, impact
$24.00
Opening soon

Every shirt here is shown as a MOCKUP — the artwork at its true print size on a drawn garment, not a photograph. Real product photography comes from the print partner once the shop is connected.